The co-parenting challenge: Put your kids first

When parents don’t live together, whatever the reason, raising kids is even more complicated than usual. “Co-parenting” adds an extra layer of challenge to the responsibility of caring for children, from getting them to and from school and soccer games to maintaining a consistent schedule and enforcing important family rules. Here’s some advice for making the co-parenting relationship work to everyone’s benefit:

• Put your children first. You and the other parent should agree to put your kids’ needs ahead of any issues you may have with each other. Don’t use a child as a pawn in your own relationship with an ex-spouse.

• Plan together. Try to avoid any unilateral decisions about your children. Sit down regularly to map out schedules and discuss upcoming issues. Negotiate in good faith who’s responsible for what, shared rules, and boundaries.

• Respect each other’s rules. You and your co-parent may have different ideas about behavior, schedules, expectations, etc. As long as your children are safe and given reasonable limits, don’t rock the boat. Co-parenting relationships can be complicated for children, too, so avoid putting them in the middle of your disputes.

• Maintain some distance. Don’t call your child repeatedly while he or she is at your co-parent’s house. Resist the urge to pump children for information that’s none of your business (an ex-spouse’s new partner, for example), or comment negatively on the co-parent’s personality.

• Communicate directly. Don’t use your children as a conduit for messages to the other parent. If issues or questions come up, con­tact him or her directly. You’ll suffer fewer misunderstandings, and you’ll keep your children out of your personal issues.

• Support your co-parent. Let your children know that they’re expected to follow the other parents’ rules when they’re with him or her. Speak respectfully about the co-parent, and insist that your children do the same.